just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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