Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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