Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I want her autograph on my taint
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
the raccoons are back...
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