I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
