I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
