Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
