break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
