she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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