Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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