I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
