i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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