That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
try to milk me bitch
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
