Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
