I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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