I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
