So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
