Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
