Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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