I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
