So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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