Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
