OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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