This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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