To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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