Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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