What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
