best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
