Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
