can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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