dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
being pregnant is like rehab
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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