Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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