god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I looked at my own cervix.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
