You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
