i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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