My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
