Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
