sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
