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Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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