You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
