everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
