I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
