my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's rum buckets o'clock
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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