I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
