You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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