At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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