my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
