Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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