Four minutes until I can fart!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
