remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
