i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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