i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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