At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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